Tray Adjacent

Guys! Someone actually paid me to write something. 

Check it out here!

insert photo of me looking pleased with myself for finally overcoming my fear of rejection (JK not over it)!

oh, here's one. i definitely look pleased here, and not at all tipsy off of auntie's merlot

we'll pretend it's a celebratory glass of wine.

i'm so glad you don't need teeth to drink wine.

short update since i wrote aforementioned essay:

i was in hospital for a week in September for a staph infection. my new favorite doctor who curses like a sailor (heart emoji) had inadvertently caused a staph infection when he performed a mundane skin cancer removal. since my body sees any cut or even splinter as an excuse to throw a freakin' deadly ass germ party, my skin turned red and hot and a little green. i was in the hospital for a VERY LONG week, during which two of my roommates died.

yes. two.

on my last day before i was released, i took a little nap. i was a little bit better which means i was actually able to sleep. i'd taken my teeth out to sleep--dentures are wicked uncomfortable--and when I woke up, they were gone. the cafeteria guy, a man i thought was my FRIEND, had tossed them when you came to get my tray.

what. the fuck.

admittedly, i put them in a cup next to a tray. but they weren't on the breakfast tray. they were merely tray adjacent! 

TRAY ADJACENT!

so now i am toothless again while i wait for the new denture to be made. i'm calling it Mouth Knives: The Sequel. i've been without teeth for two months. the remake of the denture has been a crappy, long-delayed sequel full of complications, budget issues and general frustration. it's the Spiderman 2 of dentures. (what the hell is that sentence?)

i will finally have teeth again come Monday. my lisp will be banished and i'll totally feel comfortable in my own skin. HAHA jk i never feel comfortable in my own skin since my body is actively trying to destroy me 24/7. 

but you guys know what i mean.

--

happy holidays, folks.

i'm thankful for all of you and also irish soda bread and Nerds for my blood sugar lows.

i'm also thankful for president obama. 

merry whatever!

xo

kpb