california

Two years ago today, I shot this on my iPhone. It was the night before I left Los Angeles. I was sure I'd be back in September, after Kristie had given birth. But then I fell in love. And I stayed. I went back for weeks at a time, each leaving me wishing I could be back for longer.

But the undeniable truth was that my health was bad, and I let  myself be trapped by it. For two years, I traveled and recuperated and engaged in meaningful relationships. I watched Sadie come into the world and I had my heart broken. For two years, I have longed to come back.

I leave LA on Tuesday. I have been here for three weeks and on the road for four. It's the longest I've ever been away from Sadie, and I miss her. The first week away from her, I cried because I missed her so much. I was homesick for my bed, my dog. Every time I had a sore or fever, I wished to be home.

I haven't been healed out here. I'm eating better, so my diabetes seems a little bit more under control. But I can still dose correctly and eat salads and my number will be 300. It's okay, though. I'm pushing through. I don't seem to do that anywhere else.

The sun is relentless. Today is the first cloudy day in weeks and I see how the weather affects us, how of changes our moods, how it makes my knees swell.

I could've booked a one way, and I almost did. But I intend to return. I will, in late August. As the summer begins to set in New Jersey, I will chase it all the way back to Los Angeles.

I don't know what I'm doing, exactly. But this feels right for now. And all I can really do is to hold that feeling close to me, examine it, and let it lead me to where I need to be.