What I Packed for My Hurricane Evacuation

Asbury Park, October 28

My parents live on the water (1/2 mile from the ocean and on a lake), so I booked it out of there because I’d rather be stranded with the Boyfriend than my parents, who keep yelling at me to clean my room omg I live at home now and I'm 26 where is the wine

Anyway...the eye of the storm is literally heading for where I live now (sob), so I’m at the Boyfriend’s for the next three days. 

I predict this will be the ultimate test of our relationship so I have packed the following:

1) Noise-cancelling headphones for when he watches Dexter (now-I've been shushed twice for air-drumming to Billy Joel while typing this post)

2) All of my Hanson CDs to convert him into a FANSON or else this relationship is really over

3) A razor. ROMANCE IS NOT DEAD JUST BECAUSE WE MIGHT DIE

4) His and her bottles of wine

5) Insulin in case I go all Stacy McGill during this bitch

6) Cosmo magazine (haha jk…it’s Glamour)

7) Duplicates of all my pills cos lupus don’t care bout no damn hurricane

8) A pill crusher to slip my Xanax into his breakfast for when I start to whine from inevitable pain due to life-threatening diseases that are the reason I AM NOT IN CALIFORNIA and AWAY FROM THIS DUMB STORM

9) 50 Shades of Grey in case I want to kill myself before the storm hits

10) Salt and pepper shakers because he’s lived in his apartment for 6 months and still didn’t have a set. SERIOUSLY.

11) Candles, in case the power goes out or I decide to get romanti--HAHA no.

Wish us luck/find me a new boyfriend for Wednesday!