This Is Your Brain On Drugs

Today, I was released from NYU Langone's medical center.

I just wanted to post a quick medical update because I no longer have the manual dexterity to text everyone wants going on. Typing that sentence took four spell checks and a 10 minutes. And I pride myself on coming in 2nd in the 4th grade spelling. Fine, third place. Damn you, Charlie and Ashley. 

I checked in on Wednesday with mouth sores and a fever and left with a sleep deprivation like I've never known. It's been five days and I haven't gotten more than a 30-40 minute clips of sleep at a time. I even downloaded white noise machines for my iPad and several extremely boring BBC shows. But still, nada. My blood sugar climbed past 400, my BP skyrocketed and I was legitimately afraid for my health, for the first time in a long while.

I failed some neurological exams, passed others, was given drug, drugs and more drugs. I convinced myself I had meningitis. I garbled my words. I thought today was Thursday. I fell face forward into a tub in my bathroom. I cried over the end of a Magic School Bus episode. RALPHIE and his tonsils!

I suppose this isn't really a medical update; that shit is rather boring and I''ll let you know what's going on when I do. Rather, this is a love letter, a thank you.

My energy level is the lowest it's been since my thyroid was found malignant but yet I feel stronger, more alive. And there it is: proof that when you are in a hellacious amount of pain, there is that spark of life and love and feeling that propels you forward, even when you cannot literally take a step outside of bed alone.

I was absolutely gobsmacked at the overwhelming of support I got, from friends I've known since grade school to people I've never even met in real life. I lost the mask that separates my online life from my real life. I am one.

So thank you:

To my badass boss, who biked over on his chopper to my hospital room at 10 last night. To my special friends, who called any hour I needed them to.  For Meg and Gen and Taylor, who snuggled in contraband milkshakes and not nary a literary classic. For Twitter friends, who sent me emoticons and fancy lotions and kept my room from stinkin' like lupus and regret. Most of all thanks to my parents, siblings (Ginger!) aunts, uncles, cousins and f'nieces who love me and make this life truly worth living.

(I will edit the shit out this later but this is me, drugged up on Klonolopin and feeling nothing but love for everyone in my life.)

Thank you and i am sorry if I forgot you to mention you on this page. You all mean the world to me.

All my love,

Kelly