WHY GOD WHY: A Post Based on Kelly's New Diet

As a part of my new "save myself from dying young plan", I went to a pretty well-respected (according to my mother) nutritionist/alternative medicine "doctor" yesterday. He basically told me I’ve been poisoned by my doctors for 24 years and that I’m bound to get cancer (again) if I continue taking the insane amount of medicines I take (a lot) and eating the foods that I do (mac and cheese and beer). Also we're all going to die early if we keep eating fast food and talking on our cell phones!

He was a bit of a buzzkill.

But still, he made a lot of sense. Like how my docs told me radiation caused my cancer and then used radiation to kill it. HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? I’m so used to complying to the doctors at Mount Sinai and NYU that hearing a new, different side was a bit unnerving. And boring (the man talked for hours. You know I can't go long without cracking inappropriate jokes! He must have said colon like ten times!).

He recommended a bunch of supplements, vitamins and worst of all, A NEW DIET. Now, I don’t eat horribly (at least not all the time) but I know my diet could use some work.

For 18 meals a week, I have to maintain a gluten-free, mostly dairy-free diet. I get three cheat meals a week. THREE!

Downsides: No Dairy Queen Blizzards.

Upsides: I can still drink vodka.

And he didn't exactly say it, but he recommended certain "herbs", YA KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN?

I already knew that gluten is pretty evil and high fructose corn syrup’s gonna kill ya, but ugh, I JUST DON’T LIKE CHANGE.

I especially don’t like change that means I can only cheat THREE TIMES A WEEK.

But if it makes me better, (and I remain as skeptical as possible about this), I’m willing to try it.

Now does anyone know any good gluten-free restaurants in NYC? Or gluten-free beer? I hear it exists.