WHY GOD WHY: A Post Based on Kelly's New Diet

As a part of my new "save myself from dying young plan", I went to a pretty well-respected (according to my mother) nutritionist/alternative medicine "doctor" yesterday. He basically told me I’ve been poisoned by my doctors for 24 years and that I’m bound to get cancer (again) if I continue taking the insane amount of medicines I take (a lot) and eating the foods that I do (mac and cheese and beer). Also we're all going to die early if we keep eating fast food and talking on our cell phones!

He was a bit of a buzzkill.

But still, he made a lot of sense. Like how my docs told me radiation caused my cancer and then used radiation to kill it. HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? I’m so used to complying to the doctors at Mount Sinai and NYU that hearing a new, different side was a bit unnerving. And boring (the man talked for hours. You know I can't go long without cracking inappropriate jokes! He must have said colon like ten times!).

He recommended a bunch of supplements, vitamins and worst of all, A NEW DIET. Now, I don’t eat horribly (at least not all the time) but I know my diet could use some work.

For 18 meals a week, I have to maintain a gluten-free, mostly dairy-free diet. I get three cheat meals a week. THREE!

Downsides: No Dairy Queen Blizzards.

Upsides: I can still drink vodka.

And he didn't exactly say it, but he recommended certain "herbs", YA KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN?

I already knew that gluten is pretty evil and high fructose corn syrup’s gonna kill ya, but ugh, I JUST DON’T LIKE CHANGE.

I especially don’t like change that means I can only cheat THREE TIMES A WEEK.

But if it makes me better, (and I remain as skeptical as possible about this), I’m willing to try it.

Now does anyone know any good gluten-free restaurants in NYC? Or gluten-free beer? I hear it exists.

Hello, My Name is Disoriented.

My clock says it is 4:10 AM on Friday morning.

In the past thirteen days, I have taken a taxi to Newark, flown to Seattle, took a cab to a hotel, took a ferry to Bremerton, took a taxi and a bus and a plane to Los Angeles and then, finally, a plane back to Newark.

I was in all these places, and everything was different but inside I was stagnant, the same. I was in pain and ignoring it and trying to look at the prism of my experience through what I saw and not how I physically felt. My stomach muscles ached from breathing but I did, in and out. In bars and restaurants and on the living room floor with Cece.

I landed in Newark on Sunday night, exhausted. I wept on the flight, for reasons I’m not entirely sure of. I leaned my head on a stranger’s shoulder out of instinct, and he looked up, confused and annoyed.

I slept briefly at home, drove north and held and played with some of my favorite people. I felt the curl of an newborn's hand around my finger. I learned so much.

I drove home from Katie's and accidentally passed out until midnight and have been up ever since, despite my overuse of Nyquil. (WHY. WON'T. YOU. WORK???)

I want to write about Seattle, and Bremerton and seeing Liz and Cece. I want to tell funny tales from my adventures in LA but right now, I am disoriented and exhausted and if you told me it was December, I'd probably believe you. (SANTA?!?)

I have pictures in my head, I have videos in my head of talks I had with Liz on the couch. I remember Cece's laugh. Her sideways waddle, her sweet smile. I know the taste of the margaritas we had on Cinco de Mayo in LA. I know the quiet that Rachel and I share, and the laughter too. I know that visiting family is not a vacation: it is home, just in another place.

All these memories and moments happened and coincided with physical pain and maybe now, here at 4:10 on a Friday morning, I am letting myself feel it. Instead of pushing, pushing through I am letting myself lie awake and wash over me.

Maybe that's why I cried on the flight home. Maybe that's why I feel unfunny right now, why my face is red and I can't really recognize myself. Why I'm bursting with fever. Maybe that's why I want to stay in this sweatshirt and lay here until everything comes back, all the energy I once had.

I will but I'll remember this: I live a full life, flush with experience and adventure and love. I am sick but I have everything else, here and there and even on the West Coast. So I will rest now, and let it stew, and I'll come back to the photos, videos and memories and remember just how blessed I really am.